aesthetically displeasing

[andaisq]

Mortimer Halliwell, warlock extraordinaire and small-time crook, is having a remarkably bad day. First he runs out of the good coffee and has to use Folgers. Then the demon he summons to rob a bank for him only speaks Egyptian, which is hell on his throat. Then the demon gets discorporated and tracked back to his lair/duplex, the door of which is currently being battered down by some cheerful blonde madman.

He needs to summon another demon, and he needs to do it fast. He whips out the Black Book, flips desperately through its pages, and arranges the offerings around the iron circle set into the floor of his basement. A phonebook, a pile of dust, a miniature casket, a oh my god he got in screw it he'll do it without the rest!

He forces an immense amount of energy through his body into the summoning. The dust whirls into the air. He screams as his skin crackles and snaps with static. "I summon thee! I summon thee! I summon thee, K-Kh-"

It is possibly the most regrettable sneeze in Mortimer Halliwell's life.

There is a plume of red flame, and there is someone in his circle.

Comments

[bitterchill]

The portal snaps shut after the note goes through, rather as someone might slam a screen door that has blown open.

A note appears, written in clipped ancient Hebrew on slightly glowing lambskin. Please don't open another gate to the afterlife from the mortal world. It upsets the universe. Also, stop making people in this world immortal, it messes up my thermodynamics. What do you want to do with the soulless?

[ending_of]

But now that she knows where her note went, it's trivial to create a second one in the same place.

I want to collect them in my domain. I dislike impermanence. This world has too much of it.

[bitterchill]

Is your domain somewhere beyond the Outer Gates? I don't see where you came from. And impermanence is a part of how I made this universe. If high-energy beings continued to exist, it'd degrade the boundary between this world and the Outside. And that boundary keeps out an infinite sea of horrible monsters, which I'd rather not have an infestation of.

[ending_of]

My domain is elsewhere. What I collect in it will not affect this world at all, unless accidentally summoned here in the way I was. The infinite sea of horrible monsters sounds very inconvenient.

[bitterchill]

I assume that by "elsewhere" you mean "somewhere beyond the infinite sea"? I did not know there was anything else. If you can collect them without bothering me, why did you bother me about it? The monsters are very inconvenient; a great deal of my power and a substantial portion of my world's construction is devoted to keeping them out.

[ending_of]

I was advised that collecting them without permission might be impolite and cause conflict, which I would rather avoid. Would you like assistance with your monster problem? It's outside my usual area of interest, but a universe being overrun by infinite monsters sounds extremely untidy.

[bitterchill]

Take them if you want, I don't know how you're going to do it and I don't particularly care. How can you help with the Outsiders? Do you understand the word "infinite"? Because I'm using it very literally.

[ending_of]

"The entity has allowed me to collect this world's permanent dead," she says aloud for Ari's benefit. "I offered to help her deal with her sea of infinite monsters, but she did not seem interested."

[bitterchill]

"What, really? I guess she's got it under control," says Ari, who has not read the faintly glowing lambskin notes.

[ending_of]

"Not very well under control, I don't think. But she asked me if I understand the word 'infinite', and explaining the extent to which I do would be more effort than I would like to apply to convincing her to let me have a look at her problems."

[bitterchill]

Ari tries to parse this.

"That... was probably a rhetorical question. I didn't think God did those. Can I read the notes? And yours, too?"

[ending_of]

"Yes."

She instantiates a small booklet reproducing their correspondence, and including translations of the Hebrew in case he has difficulty reading it.

[bitterchill]

"Thanks." Ari flips through the booklet.

"...Man, God sure is ornery. This is kind of theologically weird. I can talk to her as an intermediary if you'd rather not deal with her?"

[ending_of]

"Dealing with her would be tedious. Would it not be tedious for you?"

[bitterchill]

"I don't know that "tedious" is the right word for talking to a god. Even though she doesn't seem to be as charming as you are. But even if it was, the infinite sea of horrible monsters is a pretty big problem, I'd be willing to go to some trouble to see it fixed."

[ending_of]

"That seems reasonable. But at that point the note-passing method starts to be inefficient. I wonder what alternatives are available."

[bitterchill]

"...We could ask her to summon me into her domain? Or maybe get a little Heavenly telephone."

[ending_of]

"Hmm."

She considers these options.

"Perhaps I could give you the ability to communicate with me directly regardless of our respective locations, and send you to speak with her. Then I would not have to deal with her tediousness."

[bitterchill]

"Would that let me talk to you when you're not in this world? We could be dimensionpals!"

[ending_of]

"Yes."

[bitterchill]

"So, I guess you can beam me up n-"

[andomega]

Suddenly, there is the sound of a great choir, as if from some distance. From a ray of light descends a figure. She sits in the spare armchair and folds her arms over her chest, glaring.

"Excuse me! We were talking. What the hell is taking you so long?"

[ending_of]

"Talking to you was becoming extremely tedious. This person has been convincing me to continue, perhaps by letting him talk to you for me."

[andomega]

"Well, that's just fucking dandy. Sorry for not polishing up on my conversational skills while keeping my reality safe from the endless hordes of the void."

[ending_of]

The administrator regards God for a few seconds, and then turns to Ari and says in her usual dry tones, "Please help."